I’m Roe. I’m 41 years old, I have PCOS and am going through early Menopause hot flashes and night sweats. I used to suffer from eating disorders in my teens and twenties. I quite smoking 7 years ago. And I should be in pretty good physical condition but I’m not. Nor am I in the best mental and emotional state of mind all the time. Why? Keep reading…….
I am a yoga and Pilates instructor; and I teach aerial classes. I should be in the most amazing shape, but the PCOS holds on to a little more fat than I would like. I haven’t been happy with the way I’ve been looking or feeling. I don’t have the “perfect body” to work in this industry. As a former dancer and performer, in the 80’s and 90’s we were told how we were supposed to look, and how we were supposed to feel about how we look. I fell right into that thought process and suffered for about 15 years with anorexia, bulemia and compulsive eating. I can say two things about it this:
1. You can recover from eating disorders with a relatively sound mind and body.
2. Those feelings always creep up on you when you’re emotional.
Back to how I look now. I look ok but still see the flaws. What I’ve discovered is, seeing those imperfections as flaws, stops you in your tracks. Do I want more muscle? Yes, I do. I want a slightly more muscular body. I’m working on that, but I’m also working on self love. Loving the body I have right now because it’s taking me to that next stage, and it’s doing it well.
Then I started seeing all these amazing people on all social network sites talking about body positivity and sharing beautiful photos of themselves, all shapes and sizes. I started to realize I had to redefine wellness and what that meant to me. I am not happy with this body, but when I had the thinner body I was so sick with body dyamorphic disorder that I wasn’t enjoying life. I still have that issue, I still want that anorexic body shape, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I felt strong, mentally strong, when I controlled my eating. So now I’m trying to find that same kind of mental strength to turn it into something positive in my life. I stopped torturing myself with nutrition cleansing and muscle building programs. I had been against them from the beginning of my career but I caved in when I became despondent with my self image. And I am not fat.
Fat, what a word. It’s one that has haunted me my entire life. Weight in general has haunted me my entire life. I was always skinny, and had a fear of getting fat. I would take a tape measure every day and see if I still had my 21″ waist. Yes 21 inches. My thighs are bigger then that now. I never thought I would be in a position where there was any extra fat on me, but here I am, trying to navigate my body all over again; unhappy with my self image. I needed to transform.
I began my yoga and Pilates practices, with inconsistency until I began training for certification. Only then did I begin to understand the true meaning of transformation. Transformation begins on the inside, and has outward rewards. The kind of transformation I’m talking about begins in the spirit and in the heart. You have to redefine wellness on many levels:
1. Self Care – doing what you like, and what makes you feel good
2. The word NO – a complete sentence that requires no explanation
3. Getting rid of guilt – a wasted emotion, what’s done is done
4. Healing Samskaras – deep wounds
5. Building a Relationship with Yourself – realizing who you truly are. Sometimes you have to look back to look forward.
I’ll be going into detail with these 5 areas to help you redefine wellness in other blogs. Please follow along and thank you for reading.