In the past, I didn’t notice how sick I was, but years of working in the health and wellness industry and educating myself has helped. When I noticed how badly my muscles were shaking and I realized I was starving to death. What helped me hang on this long and kept me going this long was the muscle I’ve built up with my Yoga & Aerial practices. My goal is not to “gain weight” but pack on muscle and feed my body in a way that helps it function properly.
I’ve suffered from an eating disorder since I was 14 years old. The same year I began my career teaching dance. Twenty nine years is a long time to deal with such a disorder, but it is part my life.
Yes, the dance industry had standards, but my standards toward myself were way higher. My claim to fame from the time I was 14 – 26 was a 21 inch waist. I would measure myself daily to keep that waistline at 21 inches.
When I finally broke out of anorexia, I became a compulsive eater. I found this to be worse than not eating. There was zero control. I was too big for my personal comfort and had no idea how to lose the weight without starving myself.
Let me make one thing clear; anorexia is starving yourself, but after a few weeks, the choice not to eat is no longer yours. You are simply turned off by food. You see what “damage” food can do to you, rather than seeing food as fuel.
It’s such a messed up disorder, one that I accept and then challenge at the same time. There will always be a part of my that will be the woman with anorexia, but I have the wisdom now to face the issue from a different perspective. I also now suffer with the chronic illness Fibromyalgia, which in my mind is the effects from a lifetime of dealing with stress related issues, eating disorders and anxiety.
According to Ayurveda, sickness or dis-ease in the body comes from imbalances in the Dosha’s. Each sickness is treated according to the patient’s specific needs, getting down to the root of the problem. All sickness begins in the Ethereal Body, the Spirit. The way the Spirit is affected by the human existence is a key component to health.
I am outspoken, but I still suffer in my Throat Chakra (Vishuddha) because I still feel stifled. I use to sing, I loved it. The past 20 years I haven’t been able to sing, to push past the blockage in my Throat Chakra. Through meditation, I found out what the issue is, it is me not being able to speak the truth, and defend myself, because I was told to “be the bigger person, and let it go.” In listening to this advice, I’ve allowed some of my power to be taken, and in turn some of my freedom to express myself.
The Throat Chakra or Vishuddha in Ancient Sanskrit, is the Chakra that can affect all the the Chakras in a negative or positive way. Vishuddha is the Schrodinger’s Cat of the Chakra Line. I’ve suffered from a lifetime of Strep Throat and Vocal issues, directly related to my Chakra’s being out of line, due to circumstances I felt I had no control over. I believe this has added fuel to my eating disorder and my anxiety.
Stress is the number one killer, and is linked to many of the leading causes of death in the US. Stress can manifest itself in headaches, eating disorders, anxiety, depression. This article from The Miami Herald written in 2014 is geared toward Men and stress. Men and Women both manifest and relate to stress much differently.
This article published in Everyday Health explains more about how stress affects Women.
My stress, all revolves around stories that have been told about me, and damage done to my reputation. I’ve been told to just ignore and the problems will go away, but the problems have grown. These issues are slightly out of my control at the moment, and I know the only way for me to be healthy, is to face these problems. My eating disorder has returned tenfold and it is directly related to my Vishuddha or Throat Chakra being out of balance. I’m working with deep meditation, vocal exercises, movement and creating, whether it be a drawing or choreography, to help cope.
What I need, and what I feel everyone suffering with anxiety, eating disorders, and other stress related illnesses is RELEASE. It’s time to tell your Truth. Where there is Untruth, there is Truth to be revealed. Truth sets you Free. You cannot fix your life if you don’t face your life.